Interlude

Sorry for the brief gap in posts -- and for the temporary detour into the present -- but life has sort of intervened.  My sister had her baby last night, and my mom and I were able to drive down today and visit them for a while.

I'm looking forward to being an aunt (if a little insecure about whether or not she will like me, especially since I'm not exactly normal), and I kind of look forward to the "spoil rotten and then give back to mom" role that both aunts and grandparents have, but it's also raising a lot of feelings.

Here's the thing: I am never going to have kids.  Pregnancy is awkward for people with FOP, and anyway I really don't want to pass on the condition. That in itself could be solved with surrogacy, or adoption. but I also would not make a good mother.  Physically -- I can't care for myself, let alone an infant -- or financially, or mentally for reasons I haven't yet explored on this blog.

To a certain extent that whole thing is part and parcel of "life hasn't turned out the way I thought it would when I was five".  I'm not married, don't have a house, don't have a job, don't have kids, and it's all different. (Plus I didn't really see the FOP coming.). And to a certain extent I would quite possibly have chosen to not have kids even if I has been more normal.

But watching my sister interact with her new daughter -- watching my mom do grandmotherly things -- getting to hold a nice warm sleepy burrito baby -- I just kind of find myself yearning.

Sigh.